10/14/16
Dear Son,
It’s just before midnight and I imagine you as a wee child
in slumber. The air is crisp and autumn
is gently beginning to color in our world in the warmest hues.
I know
there is a God and he answers prayers everyday no matter how little. This is a
story about how God’s world works. Now don’t get all uncomfortable yet,
it's not about religion - it’s about people, it’s about us. This is a story
about love and all the crazy things that go with it.
You’re a
man now unbelievable, but true. Only, because I honestly thought we could
stay in this cozy place called forever and a day. A place, frozen in time with apple picking,
discovering corn mazes, trains, and new adventures and meeting new people every
day. Every milestone and I’m talking every milestone has been
bittersweet. More so, because our tale was interrupted; but it’s still a
wonderful tale with lessons for others and your future.
This is
what I know completely: I loved you before you were even born and I will love
you beyond infinity. I never left you or wanted to be apart from you. I
never lied to you, but someone did. I never intentionally hurt anyone nor
would I suggest intentionally hurting another.
No matter
how shocked, hurt, humiliated or humbled; I will always be here to answer your
questions and if I don’t know the answer - you’ll know that to. And sadly I
don’t know why what happened to us occurred; but…
I do know
quite a lot about the people we’ve met along the way. Some were simply hateful
and sadly their lives will be quite forgotten when they’re gone. Evil
crawls across their very skin. You can feel it radiating from them and sadly
there’s nothing you can do to mend them.
In
divorce, I am constantly appalled by the lengths people will go to win. It’s
not a game, it’s a test and it has no winner, only survivors. In divorce,
everyone loses something - most of all the children caught in the middle.
It’s not just the parties in the divorce, it’s the Judge who was spawned by her
1st husband and never
knew what ‘love’ meant, and she couldn’t even share that with her own children.
The type of person who implements things because she knows best; yet, she knows
nothing about the lives or logic of the people in front of her. It’s the
Judge who never had children of his own or true love having been divorced 3/4
times. These are not people who should be judging families. Divorce
doesn’t mean one person is right over another. It means two people grew up and
life was tugging them in opposite directions. It happens. What’s not
acceptable is when they demean or try to destroy another or lawyers drag cases
out creating animosity where it wasn’t.
People
can’t always be mended. But you can mend you. There will be times when you are
so angry or upset that you will say things you don’t mean and it will eat at
you. The point is unlike those grouchy, sour, truly heinous people,
you’ll learn you don’t like that feeling and you’ll move more purposefully
toward being the best you. You’ll often stick up for others when they need a
hand or helping them share their story by simply listening. Life will
hurt at times so much, that you’ll think your heart has broken; but it will
mend and the happy moments will shine over it all. You’ll find success when
you’re uniquely being the best you and you’ll feel loved and be able to share
it freely.
The big
best thing - families aren’t perfect. The big worst thing - families are not
perfect and it can be agonizing wrong. So wrong, that like friends you
begin a new life and you start to leave some of them behind. It’s simply
amazing how much family can be by your side when you accept their faults and
love them anyway and it’s not so easy to let them go. But eventually the ones
who make choices so contrary to what is right, you simply do let them go.
Sometimes there’s forgiveness and sometimes you go separate ways. It’s not
unique. History, world history is the key.
If you look back you can move forward without making the same mistakes
over and over.
Love is
that intangible thing when you feel it, it’s unexplainable - it’s filling, it's
light and happy. It’s like dancing with
the wind in a torrent of freshly piled leaves, soaring through the air on a
swing and the awe of floating in a hot air balloon ride. It’s those
moments when life is perfect and the people around you fit in perfectly.
It’s when you won a race and people are cheering your name. It’s when
people give up things seemly tiny things or even big things to make you happy. Sometimes it’s just time. Talking to a
stranger and hearing their tale. Sharing
yours with someone you don’t even know and just smiling to someone
randomly. There will be times when you’ll share an adventure with someone
you’ve just met, sometimes it’s just a day and although you don’t see them for
years and years you can meet or talk on Facebook, Skype, the phone, in person
and pick up like you’ve never left off. That is amazing. I hope you
know that joy.
There is
a formula. If you ask enough questions you’ll get the answers you’re
looking for. Sometimes you’ll be able to understand all sides of the equation
and how the results occurred. However, unlike math - truth is not
absolute. There is one thing I can guarantee, if you’re happy and you ask
questions - truly interested in the answers, the world will share some of its
most astonishing secrets with you.
Love, it’s when you’re so happy you can turn to the person at your side and say
I love you to their brother/sister, parents and say I am so happy that you’re
going to be an Uncle/Aunt, Grandparent in our child’s life. The red flag
is when - you can’t.
Life is
full of fairy tales, some will have happy endings and some will not.
There will be true loves and it’s not always just the woman/man you fall in
love with. Its true friends who never ever leave your side, the ones who
put the nonsense away and always stayed close. It’s the true love, you
feel for your child; a bond that creates an aching need to make the world
around them better in every way.
You don’t
need to know everything today, but you do need to remember to feel every day,
happiness, joy, fear, dread, and sadness.
It’s all a learning experience. As a child that was all you were suppose
to feel. As a young man, you need to decide which way you will go, how you will
conduct yourself and enjoy the ride it’s amazing with all its twists and turns
and you need to hold fast to your beliefs while seeking the truth.
That has
to be enough for today.
I’ll love
you forever and a day.
Mom
