Forever & A Day

10/14/16

Dear Son,

It’s just before midnight and I imagine you as a wee child in slumber.  The air is crisp and autumn is gently beginning to color in our world in the warmest hues.

I know there is a God and he answers prayers everyday no matter how little. This is a story about how God’s world works.  Now don’t get all uncomfortable yet, it's not about religion - it’s about people, it’s about us.  This is a story about love and all the crazy things that go with it.

You’re a man now unbelievable, but true.  Only, because I honestly thought we could stay in this cozy place called forever and a day.  A place, frozen in time with apple picking, discovering corn mazes, trains, and new adventures and meeting new people every day.  Every milestone and I’m talking every milestone has been bittersweet. More so, because our tale was interrupted; but it’s still a wonderful tale with lessons for others and your future. 

This is what I know completely: I loved you before you were even born and I will love you beyond infinity.  I never left you or wanted to be apart from you. I never lied to you, but someone did.  I never intentionally hurt anyone nor would I suggest intentionally hurting another. 

No matter how shocked, hurt, humiliated or humbled; I will always be here to answer your questions and if I don’t know the answer - you’ll know that to. And sadly I don’t know why what happened to us occurred; but…

I do know quite a lot about the people we’ve met along the way. Some were simply hateful and sadly their lives will be quite forgotten when they’re gone.  Evil crawls across their very skin. You can feel it radiating from them and sadly there’s nothing you can do to mend them.  

In divorce, I am constantly appalled by the lengths people will go to win. It’s not a game, it’s a test and it has no winner, only survivors. In divorce, everyone loses something - most of all the children caught in the middle.  It’s not just the parties in the divorce, it’s the Judge who was spawned by her 1^st husband and never knew what ‘love’ meant, and she couldn’t even share that with her own children. The type of person who implements things because she knows best; yet, she knows nothing about the lives or logic of the people in front of her.  It’s the Judge who never had children of his own or true love having been divorced 3/4 times. These are not people who should be judging families.  Divorce doesn’t mean one person is right over another. It means two people grew up and life was tugging them in opposite directions.  It happens. What’s not acceptable is when they demean or try to destroy another or lawyers drag cases out creating animosity where it wasn’t. 

People can’t always be mended. But you can mend you. There will be times when you are so angry or upset that you will say things you don’t mean and it will eat at you.  The point is unlike those grouchy, sour, truly heinous people, you’ll learn you don’t like that feeling and you’ll move more purposefully toward being the best you. You’ll often stick up for others when they need a hand or helping them share their story by simply listening.  Life will hurt at times so much, that you’ll think your heart has broken; but it will mend and the happy moments will shine over it all. You’ll find success when you’re uniquely being the best you and you’ll feel loved and be able to share it freely.

The big best thing - families aren’t perfect. The big worst thing - families are not perfect and it can be agonizing wrong.  So wrong, that like friends you begin a new life and you start to leave some of them behind.  It’s simply amazing how much family can be by your side when you accept their faults and love them anyway and it’s not so easy to let them go. But eventually the ones who make choices so contrary to what is right, you simply do let them go. Sometimes there’s forgiveness and sometimes you go separate ways. It’s not unique. History, world history is the key.  If you look back you can move forward without making the same mistakes over and over. 

Love is that intangible thing when you feel it, it’s unexplainable - it’s filling, it's light and happy.  It’s like dancing with the wind in a torrent of freshly piled leaves, soaring through the air on a swing and the awe of floating in a hot air balloon ride.  It’s those moments when life is perfect and the people around you fit in perfectly.  It’s when you won a race and people are cheering your name. It’s when people give up things seemly tiny things or even big things to make you happy.  Sometimes it’s just time.  Talking to a stranger and hearing their tale.  Sharing yours with someone you don’t even know and just smiling to someone randomly.  There will be times when you’ll share an adventure with someone you’ve just met, sometimes it’s just a day and although you don’t see them for years and years you can meet or talk on Facebook, Skype, the phone, in person and pick up like you’ve never left off.  That is amazing.  I hope you know that joy.

There is a formula.  If you ask enough questions you’ll get the answers you’re looking for. Sometimes you’ll be able to understand all sides of the equation and how the results occurred. However, unlike math - truth is not absolute.  There is one thing I can guarantee, if you’re happy and you ask questions - truly interested in the answers, the world will share some of its most astonishing secrets with you.

Love, it’s when you’re so happy  you can turn to the person at your side and say I love you to their brother/sister, parents and say I am so happy that you’re going to be an Uncle/Aunt, Grandparent in our child’s life.  The red flag is when - you can’t.

Life is full of fairy tales, some will have happy endings and some will not.  There will be true loves and it’s not always just the woman/man you fall in love with.  Its true friends who never ever leave your side, the ones who put the nonsense away and always stayed close.  It’s the true love, you feel for your child; a bond that creates an aching need to make the world around them better in every way.

You don’t need to know everything today, but you do need to remember to feel every day, happiness, joy, fear, dread, and sadness.  It’s all a learning experience. As a child that was all you were suppose to feel. As a young man, you need to decide which way you will go, how you will conduct yourself and enjoy the ride it’s amazing with all its twists and turns and you need to hold fast to your beliefs while seeking the truth.

That has to be enough for today.

I’ll love you forever and a day.

Mom