Wednesday, May 13, 2015

May's Children of Divorce

May is mental health awareness month, even the royals know the importance of children's mental health as shown in the this public service announcement by the UK's Duchess Kate. But what are children telling you that your ignoring and/or not hearing? 

Boy: I'm watching the people come and go, come and go. No one comes to see me. I am sitting on the side, remembering when they did. My mom's home always saw me coming and going there were people to play with and when there wasn't there was always my mom standing by to play and read with me. We'd cook and play games and she let me tell her my stories, I wanted to marry her when I grew up.  But they said you can't marry your mom and you can't kiss her anymore there is to be no more hugs.

Here there are no more stories, no more friends and they say my dad is bad, so I must he half bad

The new mom and old dad are happy that they are married. The mom is hugging the dad while he is looking out the window. The kids start playing. They are happily married. 

My old mom must be really bad, they won't let me call her and they won't let me see her. I feel guilty that I miss her and I love her still; she always had time and patience to listen to me.

The new mom is going to bed maybe she'll be happy when she sees everything is clean in the room. Her wonders who cleaned it and why they cleaned it. The kid cleaned it to make her happy, but it's not good enough, because the kid didn't finish his meal and skipped dessert because he was full. He goes to sleep and dreams of of his mother who told him how thankful she was for the wonderful things he did all day and his stomach wasn't full and he got to have dessert. 

The man is sad his new mother in law is going to die. Her has cancer. The man and son are at the funeral. They dress up nice to go to a funeral. The dad talks to the son and they say good bye to the grandma who died. They feel sad then they go. 

The dad is sleeping in his bed. The old man comes up and is very happy to see his grandson. The grandpa says hi and goes back home. The son dreams that his mom has come to see him and he did get to see her. The new mom gets a new baby and the baby was sleeping, she brought the baby to her room because she doesn't want me near it. She feels happy and her kisses and hugs the baby.

The girl is upset because she had to go to her room and spend the rest of the day in her room and she's crying because she wanted to play with her friends. She sleeps through the night. What did she do? She hurt someone at school. The boy is sad because he is going to his room because he is sick. He is crying because he wants to go with his friends. He would feel better if he played with his friends. 

The boy is bored because he is all by himself and has no brothers who want to play with him and do not know who any of their friends are, so he's bored and sits near the door and people come to visit, bit no kids come over and visit him, so he feels sad. 

The importance of maintaining friendships especially family relationships in a divorce is important.  Children will show a strong need to please adults, but they also have a strong need to be involved with their peers and when they are cut off, fears of isolation and their own self worth can be overwhelming. 

There is no hostile or angry feelings here, these children's stories are filled with remorse about things they feel they didn't measure up in. Their own need to please adults as well as maintain relationships with their old families and friends when thwarted by the division from one parent over another and/or overzealous dcyf workers and/or self-absorbed therapists and uninformed courts or courts that show favoritism toward one parent over another show that these children, will develop mixed feelings and confusion. Coupled with guilt and remorse to please adults and a strong desire to be accepted by peers. Without the support of loving parents they will not develop coping skills for building confidence in themselves and forming stable relationships with other people. It will diminish their security and eventually they will be unable to communicate their true feelings from the ones forced on them. 

Shadows of truth surround children every single day, but what happen's to the child of divorce who is surrounded by adults who lie to hide him from the truth; and/or Judges who don't bother to read the information in front of them? 

They become needless drugged to be controlled. Due to perceived attention problems and thought problems coupled with restlessness and impulsiveness.   

Children who get lost in day dreams or feel like they are in a fog and are restless, hyperactive, nervous, high strung or tense, clumsy, teary and/or show aggressive behaviors in school, are children who are bored and a have a real need to be accepted. Children with Autism have been described as having difficulty with transitions and social interactions as well as the child who has been torn to chose between one parent over another. 

These children feel that no one loves them, or people are out to get them. They have real fears that they think they might do something bad and/or that they have to be perfect and they feel deeply hurt when they are criticized; because they already feel inferior and their social problems can be seen in their relationships at school, harming themselves and repeating certain acts over and over.  

Perfectionism and displaying their feelings of anger, depression, sadness or anxiety openingly draws criticism; instead of teachers and the adults around them actually addressing the child's problems they are adding to them.  

In light of May, being mental health awareness month take a look around you and ask yourself if you are truely addressing the needs of the children around you. After all, like the duchess said you wouldn't think twice about addressing a broken arm.

After all is said and done - memories of a happy childhood are what helps us confront the very long years of being an adult. 

Keeping Asking Questions
See You Soon 

Ћ ℋead ℱairy 

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